So I have a friend, and in the interests of keeping his identity somewhat secret I will call him John.
Now John is a lovely, if sometimes a bit troubled, person who I’ve known for at least six years now.
John asked me out and was declined about six years ago, but we have remained friends. But he has also has remained very much attracted to me and has made little effort to hide this fact, which hey, as long as this isn’t upsetting his partner, i don’t mind.
What I do mind is the fact that I say, time and time again, that the attraction is reciprocated and while my relationship is open and I have been the body for another friend to practise flogging, hot wax play and other things in the same vein, I am not interesting in fooling around with anyone. Despite this, whenever he gets drunk he starts talking about wanting to start a little fetish society and then he drops something about what he’d really like to do to me in this fetish society, and this makes me a little bit uncomfortable.
Firstly, when the friend who flogs me and I get together for that kind of thing it is not a sexual thing we are doing, it is just fun, for her to practise and for me to experiment with a few things that I don’t get to because my partner is on the other side of the world and I don’t trust many people, and we have a few beer afterwards and then her husband drives me home. If I were to do these things with John he would take it as a sexual thing, and I’m not comfortable with that (and those who know me well, have a laugh about me feeling uncomfortable about turning people on). I think it’s because he’s a friend though and i don’t want anything from him more than friendship and I’m afraid that because he’s harboured these feelings for me for so long that doing fetish stuff together would be taken as a sign of feelings being reciprocated and then things could get weird and feelings hurt and such. Also, he’s friends with my partner, and I just don’t know comfortable Kaninchen would be with that, he’d never say anything, but I know how he feels about the idea of other men doing things to me. But as well, I only want to turn Kaninchen on, I don’t want to turn other people on.
But also, and I think really importantly, I don’t trust John in that kind of setting. He can be pushy, and borderline asburgers-y about realising when he’s gone too far with something. I am naturally submissive, but i still like some control and after watching Secretary with John, Kaninchen, and John’s partner, I’ve come to realise that John has a veeeery different idea of what a submissive is in a relationship, and his idea is more like that of a slave.
I don’t like slave - master relationships! I understand that this is how some people get their kicks, but it is so borderline abuse and I have seen it turn into abuse so many times, that I just am really, really uncomfortable with the idea.
So again, I wouldn’t trust John to respect my boundaries if this is how he views a sub.
But yeah, it’s all just a bit annoying because I feel like I’ve told him it’s not going to happen quite a few times now and he still likes to bring it up, and I feel like I can’t talk or joke about anything like that with him now. Like last night when I was at his place and I had been making some jokes at his expense (because that’s how we australian’s show affection) and he made some remark about needing to come over there and spank me, and in any other company I’d have joked back that maybe I’d enjoy that, but with him I can’t because I will take it as an invitation. Or when I put Kali inside my jacket to snuggle between my boobs and he made a remark about him being a lucky lizard, this doesn’t bother me, i often call him a lucky lizard for where he gets to sleep, but then he followed up with a ‘I’d certainly like to have my hands on your boobs’ and then an expectant wait, as if I’m going to say ‘sure john! feel away, that’s what friends with boobs are for!’
I’m just worried that this whole friendship could got up in smoke very quickly and easily, and I also don’t know his partner well enough to know if she is cool with what he is proposing and his infatuation with me, or if she’s just saying as much because she’s afraid of losing him if she puts restrictions on their relationship.
Anyway. That’s my rambly rant for the day.